No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.

When you carry a gun, you mean to harm somebody, kill somebody.

Give me 200 active 2-year-olds and I could conquer the world.

No matter what you think-life goes on and the world still turns and the universe has its own story. The most we can do is plan anyway, but understand, be humbled by things greater than ourselves.

I feel that in-person contact with people is the most important thing in comedy. While I'm up on stage, I can actually put myself into the audience and adjust my pace and tuning to them. I can get into their heads through their ears and through their eyes. Only through this total communication can I really achieve what I'm trying to do.

Fathers are the geniuses of the house because only a person as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.