My eleven year old daughter mopes around the house all day waiting for her breasts to grow.

My mother was an authority on pig sties. This is the worst looking pigsty I have ever seen in my life, and I want it cleaned up right now.

When you carry a gun, you mean to harm somebody, kill somebody.

I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.

I’m supposed to figure out if the glass is half full or half empty,” I told her. Without a moment’s hesitation, in a split second, my grandmother shrugged and said: “It depends on if you’re drinking or pouring.

I feel that in-person contact with people is the most important thing in comedy. While I'm up on stage, I can actually put myself into the audience and adjust my pace and tuning to them. I can get into their heads through their ears and through their eyes. Only through this total communication can I really achieve what I'm trying to do.

It's painful, but we can't heal ourselves unless we cleanse the wounds.