'Don't worry about senility', my grandfather used to say.

A baseball manager has learned a lot about his job from having played the game, but a parent has not learned a thing from having once been a child.

Every success story has a parent who says, 'over my dead body.' Every success story has an old person who walks up to you and says, when you're acting the fool, 'you know I worry about you sometimes.'

I'm going out... because I deserve to go out! And I'm going to get drunk... because I deserve to get drunk! And get out of my way!

Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.

After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was "Don't."

I don't wear no condom and I don't plan for no kids.