We’ve got to get the gun out of the hands of people who are supposed to be on neighborhood watch.

You people are not prepared. You are well educated and you look cute, but that's not going to cut it.

We’ve got to get the gun out of the hands of people who are supposed to be on neighborhood watch.

A Hoyo de Monterrey double corona is my favourite Cuban since Desi Arnaz.

I recently turned fifty, which is young for a tree, mid-life for an elephant, and ancient for a quarter-miler, whose son now says, "Dad, I just can't run the quarter with you anymore, unless I bring something to read."

Racial humor was about 35% of my act when I first started. But I realized that it was a crutch. What brought it home was when another comedian said to me, 'If you changed color tomorrow, you wouldn't have any material.' He meant it as a put-down, but I took it as a challenge.

It doesn't make any difference how much money a father earns, his name is always Dad-Can-I.... Like all other children, my five have one great talent: they are gifted beggars. Not one of them ever ran into the room, looked up at me, and said, "I'm really happy that you're my father, and as a tangible token of my appreciation, here's a dollar.