We’ve got to get the gun out of the hands of people who are supposed to be on neighborhood watch.

When a person has a gun, sometimes their mind clicks that this thing ... will win arguments and straighten people out.

Don't talk yourself into not being you.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.

In Genesis, it is stated God walked on Earth. He was there on the level. After watching human behavior, he ascended having had enough of us and decided to watch over us instead.

Every father says the same thing: “Where's your mother?”