I recently turned fifty, which is young for a tree, mid-life for an elephant, and ancient for a quarter-miler, whose son now says, "Dad, I just can't run the quarter with you anymore, unless I bring something to read."

Now, this is the fun part about getting stoned. They get stoned, then they become paranoid. Now, when they started out, they said, "Let's get high and have fun." So they're high; now they're paranoid. "Am I falling out of this chair?"

When a person has a gun, sometimes their mind clicks that this thing ... will win arguments and straighten people out.

After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was "Don't."

Every father says the same thing: “Where's your mother?”

You are more important to yourself than you think you are.

I'm not sure if my parents had me because they loved me, or because they wanted someone to watch their other children.