It doesn't make any difference how much money a father earns, his name is always Dad-Can-I.... Like all other children, my five have one great talent: they are gifted beggars. Not one of them ever ran into the room, looked up at me, and said, "I'm really happy that you're my father, and as a tangible token of my appreciation, here's a dollar.

Racial humor was about 35% of my act when I first started. But I realized that it was a crutch. What brought it home was when another comedian said to me, 'If you changed color tomorrow, you wouldn't have any material.' He meant it as a put-down, but I took it as a challenge.

A father has to do everything in his power to keep a tight ship, even though he knows the crew would like to send him away in a dinghy.

If you have no faith, you've lost your battle.

My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, “You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you.

Fathers are the geniuses of the house because only a person as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.

My children love my mother, and I tell my children, that is not the same woman I grew up with...That is an old woman trying to get into heaven now.