It doesn't make any difference how much money a father earns, his name is always Dad-Can-I.... Like all other children, my five have one great talent: they are gifted beggars. Not one of them ever ran into the room, looked up at me, and said, "I'm really happy that you're my father, and as a tangible token of my appreciation, here's a dollar.

Old is always fifteen years from now.

What best defines a child is the total inability to receive information from anything not plugged in.

When I was a child, I was living in the housing projects of Philadelphia. I didn't even have a Christmas tree.

People will frighten you about a graduation.... They use words you don't hear often: And we wish you Godspeed." It is a warning, Godspeed. It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices."

You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.