Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.

Some authority on parenting once said, "Hold them very close and then let them go." This is the hardest truth for a father to learn: that his children are continuously growing up and moving away from him (until, of course, they move back in).

My eleven year old daughter mopes around the house all day waiting for her breasts to grow.

Pay off your student loan. Even if you don't have a job...Because when you finally get a job you're going to be one of us.

I brought you in this world, and I can take you out!

Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.

You go and you buy a lottery ticket. You've got just as much chance of getting struck by lightning as you do of winning the lottery.