Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.

I want all this loud profanity in the street stopped. I want people to think about choices.

It is a point of pride for the American male to keep the same size jockey shorts for his entire life.

You people are not prepared. You are well educated and you look cute, but that's not going to cut it.

The heart of marriage is memories.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

I once asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic. He told me how he once killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.