If you're a parent, the five worst words you can say to your children are, "When I was your age ..." You were never their age. You were older in the womb.

When I decided that I wanted to go to college, I wanted to be a school teacher for 7th and 8th grade boys because I felt that was an important time for them. I had gone astray at that point in my life and really wanted to help keep them from making the same mistake I had made.

When you graduate from college, they tell you to follow your dreams. Does anyone say you have to wake up first?

One of the great mistakes that can be made by a man of my age is to get involved in athletic competition with children-unless, of course, they are under six. And even then, stay away from hide-and-seek.

But if that's what you want to be, that's what you will be - as long as you study.

My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.

Fatherhood is helping your children learn English as a foreign language.