If you're a parent, the five worst words you can say to your children are, "When I was your age ..." You were never their age. You were older in the womb.

A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

The problem is that your daughter has given her heart to a 15-year-old boy, and a 15-year-old boy does not yet qualify as a human being.

Why do kids always say peace out, I though peace was in.

I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"

You are more important to yourself than you think you are.