People say "God will find a way." God can't find a way if you're in the way.

The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.

I'm not going out and hitting a 95-mph fastball where I can't see the stitches. I'm not on a professional football team looking to tackle a fullback who is built like solid wood. I'm a thinking person, and I've been blessed with the ability to see some things and talk about them in a way that registers in a humorous and funny way.

My grandfather said, "When you become senile, you won't know it."

The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.

My wife and I have five children and the reason why we have five children is because we do not want six.

It doesn't make any difference how much money a father earns, his name is always Dad-Can-I.... Like all other children, my five have one great talent: they are gifted beggars. Not one of them ever ran into the room, looked up at me, and said, "I'm really happy that you're my father, and as a tangible token of my appreciation, here's a dollar.