My grandfather said, "When you become senile, you won't know it."

Kids need to remember that when you put something on Twitter, it's not like whispering to your friend, you've put it on a billboard that the whole world, including your own kids someday, can see.

A father has to do everything in his power to keep a tight ship, even though he knows the crew would like to send him away in a dinghy.

I once asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic. He told me how he once killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.