My wife and I have five children and the reason why we have five children is because we do not want six.

One of the great mistakes that can be made by a man of my age is to get involved in athletic competition with children-unless, of course, they are under six. And even then, stay away from hide-and-seek.

I've got a Ferrari. VROOM! I do 104 from the garage to the front door.

My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.

What's your name again? That's right. I'm so glad you know your name.

Every success story has a parent who says, 'over my dead body.' Every success story has an old person who walks up to you and says, when you're acting the fool, 'you know I worry about you sometimes.'

The first time I came across the birds and the bees in actual flight, I couldn't identify the formation.