My latest blood test said my cholesterol was very high and my doctor recommended some medicine for it. I said "no" to his recommendation and he said "what are you going to do?" I said I ate my way into this and I'm going to eat my way out of it.

It doesn't make any difference how much money a father earns, his name is always Dad-Can-I.... Like all other children, my five have one great talent: they are gifted beggars. Not one of them ever ran into the room, looked up at me, and said, "I'm really happy that you're my father, and as a tangible token of my appreciation, here's a dollar.

Well, I really don't know what the secret of success is but I can tell you that the secret of failure is to try to please everyone.

We’ve got to get the gun out of the hands of people who are supposed to be on neighborhood watch.

People should fact check. People shouldn’t have to go through that and shouldn’t answer to innuendos.

My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.

Take your bottom lip and pull it over your head.