I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked. I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says Is it raining out I couldn't help my self when I replied Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here's your sign!

To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.

And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.

The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.

Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person.