I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked. I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says Is it raining out I couldn't help my self when I replied Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here's your sign!

Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.

I told my wife I'm afraid to go back to the doctor because I'm afraid they're going to look at you and say: 'ma'am, just sell him for parts. It's like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.

I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.'

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that.

I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.