I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well... like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!

I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual.

I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south.

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".