Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person.

You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.

I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane. I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn't aware of my destiny.

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life... God... I would be drunk with power.

God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.