Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person.

When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life... God... I would be drunk with power.

My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says It looks and tastes like real bacon! No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like!

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".