To me pornography is...spending all your money and not educating the people in America, but spending it instead on weapons.

Good comedy helps people know they're not alone. Great comedy provides an answer.

I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA: seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first: Iraq: 150,000, USA: 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, "I did it! Hey!"

I was in Australia....Lotta leg room down under. Apartments: dollar a month. 2000-acre den....think of the parties.

I hate patriotism... I can't stand it. It's a round world last time I checked.

When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.

And I'm not getting laid! What am I doing wrong?