Life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.

And I'm not getting laid! What am I doing wrong?

'Where's Bill going?' He's going to comedy death. Boom! He pops out of it with another joke. It's my particular style.

....All drugs should be legal. War is wrong. The rich get richer. The poor get poorer. Thank you. I'll be here all week.

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'

I think it's interesting how people act on their beliefs. A lot of Christians, for instance, wear crosses around their necks. Nice sentiment, but do you think when Jesus comes back, he's really going to want to look at a cross?

You want a better world...? Legalize pot right now. ...end the deficit? Legalize pot right now...biggest cash crop in America.