Bill Hicks Quotes

This is the idea that has made me...an anonymous figure in America...If you have children here tonight...they are NOT special.

You all saw him - he had a gun.

Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years.

You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible weapons - incredible weapons." How do you know that? "Uh, well... we looked at the receipts."

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

You know all the money we spend on nuclear weapons and defence every year? Trillions of dollars? Correct? Trillions. Instead, if we spent that money feeding and clothing the poor of the world,which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, not one, we could, as one race, explore outer space together in peace forever

All governments are lying cocksuckers.

I don't get along with anything, I really don't...I'm, I'm, maybe I'm just a, you know, incredibly tasteful human being.

I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it. I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here.

Oh--won't we party hard when L.A. goes kersplash?...L.A. fell in the ocean?... There is a God. He loves us all so much.

I'll tell you how to solve this abortion thing...Those unwanted babies...? Leave about 12 of them on the Supreme Court steps.

See we just had a misunderstanding. I thought we lived in the U.S. of A., the United States of America. But actually we live in the U.S. of A., the United States of Advertising. Freedom of expression is guaranteed? If you've got the money!

You're not a human till you're in my phone book. There. My hat is now in the political ring.

We'll see who believes in me now. I am the Prankster God - I am killing me!

To me pornography is...spending all your money and not educating the people in America, but spending it instead on weapons.

People always snap and think they're Jesus. How come no one ever snaps and thinks they're Buddha?

I...am an evolved being who deals solely with the source of light...in all of us in our own minds. No middleman required.

I, like all artists in Western cultures, am a shaman...come in the guise of a comic...to heal perception by using...'jokes'.

It's my object to be stared at like a dog that's just been shown a card trick.

[Comedy] is an escape from illusions. The audience is...thinking, 'This bullshit we see and hear all day makes no sense.'

....All drugs should be legal. War is wrong. The rich get richer. The poor get poorer. Thank you. I'll be here all week.

I began working quite young, writing, growing, maturing, always striving to top myself - to make people laugh hard at things they know and believe deep in their hearts to be true.

Okay, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?

It's an insane world, and I'm proud to be a part of it.

And if I can take part in it by transforming my own consciousness, then someone else's, I'm happy to do it.

No one can give you any answers. There aren't any. You have to discover for yourself-you must learn to navigate the mystery.

I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.

They Want You To Be A Docile Apathetic Consumer

What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion?

It is hard to quit smoking. Every one of them looks real good to me right about now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus and moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer's pussy.

I'm an American who loves an America which doesn't exist, which is a land of freedom and free ideas.

We are losing the 'War on Drugs,' which means there's a war going on and people on drugs are winning it.

Marijuana grows naturally...Don't you think making nature against the law seems a bit, I don't know, unnatural?

Isn't that weird, we've made nature against the law. That's how un-natural we've become.

Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that's why you giggle the first hour.

If you don't think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD's and burn them.

Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass.

Laughter makes the bitter swallowing of truth, for some, a little easier.

Is it my business if somebody wants to burn a flag?...No, it's not...That's called logic and it'll help us all evolve.

I love talking about the Kennedy assassination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it.

Mummy, I woke today and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer! ... That's the story of Jesus.

I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.

I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution. OK, not the most popular idea ever expressed. Either that or you're all real high and agreeing with me in the only way you can right now. (Starts blinking)

You watch the news these days? It's unbelievable. You think you just walk out your door, you're immediately gonna be raped by some crack-addicted, AIDS-infected pitbull.

I was a weekend drinker...I'd start on Saturday, end on Friday...thought I was controlling it...but I don't drink any more.

I've had seven balls of light come off a UFO...explain to me telepathically we are all one and there's no such thing as death.

BTW A 24 week old embryo is not a human being. You're not a human being until you're in my phone book.

Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.