You ever notice that everyone who believes in creationism looks really un-evolved?

We are one with God and He loves us. Now if that isn't a hazard to this country-How're we gonna keep building nuclear weapons?

Sometimes my dad even gets on this kick--'You hate this country'....I have to tell him...I just hate being lied to.

I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it. I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here.

I, like all artists in Western cultures, am a shaman...come in the guise of a comic...to heal perception by using...'jokes'.

It's hard to have a relationship in this business...it's gonna take a very special woman...or a bunch of average ones.

Nonsmokers--this is for you and you only. Ready? Nonsmokers die every day. Sleep tight.