You ever notice that everyone who believes in creationism looks really un-evolved?

I don't care if you're obscene, filthy, horrendous -- as long as you're honest.

How many people disapprove of the job the Conservatives are doing? Seventy percent. Of those same people, how many will vote for them again? ...Seventy percent. What the fuck? Where did they take this poll, at an S&M parlor?

The Voice of Reason is in us all...and everyone can recognize it because it makes sense and everyone benefits from it equally.

Do I have a message? Yes, I do. Here's my message: as scary as the world is – and it is – it is merely a ride ...

Pot is a better drug than alcohol. I'll prove it to you. You're at a ball game or a concert, and someone's really violent and agressive and obnoxious, are they drunk or are they smoking pot?

'Where's Bill going?' He's going to comedy death. Boom! He pops out of it with another joke. It's my particular style.