Laughter makes the bitter swallowing of truth, for some, a little easier.

Mister, I don't want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, Mister.

The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they've never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people's minds, exposing them to the light.

What strikes me as funny about Elvis is that all the impersonators choose to do the Vegas Elvis; not the young, cool guy, always the bloated fool.

I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f-kin' mouth.

What does an atheist scream when they come?

It's my object to be stared at like a dog that's just been shown a card trick.