Laughter makes the bitter swallowing of truth, for some, a little easier.

You watch the news these days? It's unbelievable. You think you just walk out your door, you're immediately gonna be raped by some crack-addicted, AIDS-infected pitbull.

Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.

If I thought the Jews killed God, I'd worship the Jews.

Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years.

God has this...hobby. He creates perfection. This world is not perfect. We have to learn to separate illusions from reality.

I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die, deal? Thank you America. [salutes]