I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're Catholic.

The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they've never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people's minds, exposing them to the light.

Speaking of Satan, I was watching Rush Limbaugh the other day.

Do I have a message? Yes, I do. Here's my message: as scary as the world is – and it is – it is merely a ride ...

I don't know what you all believe, and I don't really care ... but you have to admit that beliefs are odd. Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks ... you really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?

You are the imagination of yourself.

The role of the comedian is to say 'Wait a minute' when a consensus starts to form.