Oh my God. Lift me up out of this illusion, Lord. Heal my perception that I might know only reality and only you.

You think when Jesus comes back, he really wants to see a cross? That's like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on.

Isn't that weird, we've made nature against the law. That's how un-natural we've become.

I began working quite young, writing, growing, maturing, always striving to top myself - to make people laugh hard at things they know and believe deep in their hearts to be true.

How dare you have wino tell me not to do drugs.

You're not a human till you're in my phone book. There. My hat is now in the political ring.

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'