Now that they've finished reading the Constitution out loud, the Teabaggers must call out that group of elitist liberals whose values are so antithetical to theirs. I'm talking of course about the Founding Fathers, who the Teabaggers believe are just like them, but aren't. One is a group of exclusively white men who live in a bygone century, have bad teeth, and think of blacks as 3/5 of a person, and the other are the Founding Fathers.

To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.

The politicians are no prizes, but the people are even worse, they're so ill-informed. I never understand the pushback when I say people are stupid.

When I was in high school the worst thing you could ever get was VD. Talk about the sniffles! I just want to meet an old-fashioned girl with gonorrhea.

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.

New Rule: If you still think Obama is a Muslim, you just might be a redneck. A Christian church in South Carolina has a sign out front that says 'Obama... Osama... Hmmm... Are they brothers?' No, they're not brothers. In fact, they're not even related, which is more than I can say for the married couples in your church.

Americans are gluttons. We shop with forklifts. We have a holiday where we stuff food into other food. Our strippers wrestle in Jell-O, where other countries have to use mud.