Atheism is a religion the way abstinence is a sex position.

I don't want to start a movement that mirrors religion. I don't want to create the church of the non-believers where I'm the preacher and we're all gathering together and reciting things.

When people say to me, 'You hate America,' I don't hate America. I love America. I am just embarrassed that it has been taken over by people like evangelicals, by people who do not believe in science and rationality. It is the 21st century. And I will tell you, my friend. The future does not belong to the evangelicals. The future does not belong to religion.

You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.

The unemployment rate is now at 9.2%, which is scary, because experts say 9.5 is the point at which people are desperate enough to consider Michele Bachmann.

If there is such a thing as karma, let's hope that Sarah Palin comes back as a wolf being shot at from a plane.

I think the funniest stuff comes from the heaviest stuff.