I see they found out the universe is 80 million years older than we thought. It's also been lying about its weight.

It's that time of year again, April 15, taxes. I know it's depressing, but just remember, you're paying for roads, bridges, hospitals, and an army to keep the nation free. Unfortunately that nation is Afghanistan.

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles.

There is a big difference between a disappointing friend and a deadly enemy. Of course the Democrats are disappointing. That's what makes them Democrats. If they were any more frustrating they'd be your relatives. But in this country they are all that stands between you and darkest night. You know why their symbol is the letter 'D'? Because it's a grade that means good enough, but just barely. You know why the Republican symbol is 'R'? Because it's the noise a pirate makes when he robs you and feeds you to a shark.

I have two dogs. If I had retarded children, I'd be a hero. And yet, the dogs are pretty much the same thing.

What is "martinizing" and why does it only take one hour?

Glenn Beck retired or got fired...and a lot of people are asking who will now speak for the raving lunatics who startle you outside of a parking garage?