Ebola has arrived in New York City. And I say, 'if it can make it there...it can make it anywhere!'

Saddam Hussein is Hitler like Oasis was The Beatles.

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

The only sport I really get into is snowboarding. Cause that's the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe.

I want to just take a moment to thank the Teabaggers. Thank you so much for helping us pass health care, for resurrecting the Obama presidency. I know they're saying, 'Why are you thanking me? I was so against it, I marched on Washington with tea bags hanging off my Founding Fathers costume, with a gun on my hip and a picture of Obama dressed as Hitler, screaming about his birth certificate.' And America saw that and said, 'I think I'll go with the calm black man.'

Jesus is not a candle. A company in South Dakota is selling candles with the scent of Jesus. You light one and your friends says, Christ, what's that smell?

If anybody is so mad at Vladimir Putin, you know what they could do? They could advocate for a gas tax. He gets all his leverage from selling gas and oil. If we had a gas tax that made that less palatable, he would be less of a player on the world stage.