Heroin may be bad, but it sure as hell hasn't hurt my CD collection.

The car bomb was fertilizer, gasoline, fireworks and propane tanks...still safer than a Toyota.

I do miss George Bush. Compared to these teabaggers and the people who are pandering to them, he looks like a professor.

Idiots must stop claiming that atheism is a religion. Religion is defined as the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power. And atheism is… precisely not that. Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles.

Space tourism is God's way of telling you you aren't spending enough on lap dances, baccarat and cocaine.

Remember, guns don't kill people - unless you practice real hard.