There are two things that you have to lie to get through. One is politics, and the other is marriage.

Let's be honest, half the marriages end in divorce. For me, it's never made much sense. I have a girlfriend and I'm not interested in anyone else, but I still wouldn't want to bring the federal and state government into my life.

Nowas you all know, this week, Pope Benedict told Vatican Radio—you know, Vatican Radio, playing the hits from the 8th century, 9th century and today—Benedict told them he was going to resign because the Church needs a fresh, young face, somewhere other than a priest's lap.

The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough.

False hope really makes you cynical.

People sometimes say how standup is so hard, and I always tell them that it's hard at the beginning.

Russia has banned all adoptions to Americans. So, if you were hoping to get a little white kid with fetal alcohol syndrome, you're going to have to wait until Lindsay Lohan reproduces.