Stand-up is great because I can get everything off my chest.

The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.

I never, ever in my life tried to be outrageous. I've only ever tried to say what was truly on my mind and not pull punches about it.

If you can look at a crime where everything points to one answer and not see it, you're a dumb-ass. And if you can look at the deficit and not see that the problem is that the rich stopped paying taxes, you're a Republican.

Only 42 percent of Republicans believe Obama was born in the United States. That's an amazing statistic. How come in America Christians are the only ones who won't take anything on faith?

My thinking is, government is really there to do the things that people absolutely can't do for themselves. And that's mostly involved with the things that might kill you. And what might kill me? The environment and terrorism.

BP today finally managed to almost completely stop the flow of information.