Stand-up is great because I can get everything off my chest.

I used to stay at the Trump [hotels] and I just wouldn't now. The people were great, but I wouldn't stay at a 'birther' hotel.

New Rule: Someone has to tell Francesco Schettino that embracing a callous policy of "every man for himself" doesn't make you a sea captain. It makes you the Republican nominee.

This Ted Cruz guy, I mean, he incurred the wrath, really, of his own party. They don't like him. Democrats hate him. Independents hate him. Republicans hate him. Even Miley Cyrus, he's the one guy she refuses to lick.

Maybe a president who didn't believe our soldiers were going to heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed.

You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.

I think the news people no longer have any idea of what covering the news is.