Stand-up is great because I can get everything off my chest.

What I believe in is love your neighbor as yourself and don't call him stupid because they don't agree with you politically.

I have such disdain for anybody who gets joy out of blowing the stuffing out of a little woodland creature, that I don't really care if any of them gets shot.

Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?

I think there is a problem, though, with the media gushing over [Obama] too much. I don't think he thinks that he's all that, but the media does. I mean, the coverage after, that I was watching, from MSNBC, I mean these guys were ready to have sex with him.It's embarrassing.

Rick Santorum doesn't like sex. He doesn't like the pill. He really doesn't like condoms. He said if men are going to pull something on to prevent procreation, nothing works better that a sweater vest.

There's a phrase we live by in America: "In God We Trust". It's right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.