North Korea has the same ability to launch a nuclear strike against America as I do. It's like walking through a parking lot and getting barked at by a chihuahua locked in a car.

I'm a pessimist by nature. A pot head, but a pessimist.

Atheism is a religion the way abstinence is a sex position.

Ebola has arrived in New York City. And I say, 'if it can make it there...it can make it anywhere!'

Mitt Romney, who is on record saying that he would not waste money going after bin Laden, and on record saying he would not violate Pakistan's border to get bin Laden, this week said, 'Of course I would have gotten bin Laden.' Even his Etch-A-Sketch went, seriously?

The younger generation is supposed to rage against the machine, not for it. They're supposed to question authority, not question those who question authority.

The president finally explained why he sat in that classroom on 9/11 for 7 minutes after he was told the country was under attack. He said he was 'collecting his thoughts.' What a time to start a new hobby.'