North Korea has the same ability to launch a nuclear strike against America as I do. It's like walking through a parking lot and getting barked at by a chihuahua locked in a car.

God makes trees, he doesn't write books.

I'm staying in a strange hotel. I called room service for a sandwich and they sent up two hookers.

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.

I'm guessing our soldiers are happy to be leaving Iraq. It is no fun being in a country where there's crumbling infrastructure and an ignorant population, but they said they're happy to come home anyway.

It is appalling to make Jesus out of food! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go bake some communion wafers.

The car bomb was fertilizer, gasoline, fireworks and propane tanks...still safer than a Toyota.