You can always tell when Obama's negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he's missing his watch and his lunch money.

So many kids are fat drug addicts these days, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies.

Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious.

When I was in high school the worst thing you could ever get was VD. Talk about the sniffles! I just want to meet an old-fashioned girl with gonorrhea.

40% of homicides go unsolved. You know, it's not a very good record. And, also, 95% of convictions in America come from plea bargaining, which is often coerced. It's like we have the worst of both worlds. We don't convict the guilty enough, and we coerce the innocent too much.

I'm staying in a strange hotel. I called room service for a sandwich and they sent up two hookers.

I like groaning. That means that you're not pandering to their already settled prejudices.