In New York now, they have Harvey Milk High School for gay students. They don't have much of a football team, but the half-time show . . .

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

I have always defined political correctness as an elevation of sensitivity over truth.

you know... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time.... husband!!!

You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery...

The worst years of my life were the first two years I was doing standup. You're learning how to do, and you're going on stage in front of two drunks and people aren't laughing and you're broke. That's a really hard time in your life.

Face the fact that there's only one sure-fire way to erase credit card debt. By picking up a big, shiny pair of scissors and cutting your wife in half.