If a President must constantly remind the people that we're at war, then we're not.

A lot of good has come from drugs. I think 'Penny Lane' is worth 10 dead kids. Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. Because a lot of kids wouldn't even be born if it weren't for that album, so it evens out.

I think America causes cancer, longevity is less important than fun, and young people should be discouraged from voting.

People have to stop saying that just because someone is an anti-gay activist they might be gay. They're DEFINITELY GAY!!

Talk to women who've ever dated an Arab man. The results are not good.

I believe only foreigners should run for president...Face it, the presidency is a lousy job. And who does lousy jobs we don't want anymore better than foreigners?

There are only three ways a congressman goes out: They die in office, they cash in as a lobbyist, or they mistakenly tweet a picture of their d*ck.