The only sport I really get into is snowboarding. Cause that's the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe.

The worst years of my life were the first two years I was doing standup. You're learning how to do, and you're going on stage in front of two drunks and people aren't laughing and you're broke. That's a really hard time in your life.

I'm not a joiner. I don't like organizations.

A new biography of Madonna came out last week, and apparently the biography lists all the men she's slept with. The book is apparently called the Manhattan Telephone Directory.

Every time somebody says 'Islamophobia' it gives the people who are intimidating cover.

Oh, America! I could never leave you! You're like my dog, dumb as a post but you make me laugh!

I'd like to protect children, too, but... is everything worth sacrificing to that? I mean, drugs have done a lot of good... They've midwived a lot of good ideas... lot of great songs, you know? I think "Penny Lane" is worth 10 dead kids... I think Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. There, I said it.