That's ended, that's over. I want you to meet my pimps. I thought, I'm a show-business ho already, so I might as well be a real ho.

The teachers don't know anything. What are the kids going to learn with a horrible education system?

President Obama invited John McCain to the White House to give his opinion on Egypt, specifically what it's like to be a mummy.

Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee and Tom Tancredo - those were the three guys who said they do not believe in evolution. The irony will be on them when their campaigns die off in favor of stronger, fitter campaigns.

The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.

The public is gullible. ... If [many satirists are] making the same joke, that's the danger. Then there's a solidifying effect and it becomes a truth.

Idiots must stop claiming that atheism is a religion. Religion is defined as the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power. And atheism is… precisely not that. Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position