When the tabloids photograph me when I'm out, I always say: "You know what, folks? I'm not married and I'm not gay. You caught me with a hot chick. You got me. Take me to hot-chick jail. Did it again. Guilty."

This Ted Cruz guy, I mean, he incurred the wrath, really, of his own party. They don't like him. Democrats hate him. Independents hate him. Republicans hate him. Even Miley Cyrus, he's the one guy she refuses to lick.

The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it.

Don't say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding.

Sarah Palin said perhaps the most irresponsible thing I've ever heard any politician say. She said, 'The only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke.' You think she realizes that nuking Russia might not be good for someone who can see Russia from her house?

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

The country can't get well if the people are sick. And the people are sick.