I couldn't run for any office. I think that religion is bad, weed is good, and babies are disgusting; who would vote for me?

I love the Tea Party. They are the ultimate beer goggles. They make everything look better.

If conservatives don't want to be seen as bitter people who cling to their guns and religion and anti-immigrant sentiments, they should stop being bitter and clinging to their guns, religion and anti-immigrant sentiments.

First they didn't believe in evolution. Then they didn't believe in global warming. Now the debt ceiling. What I call 'the moron trifecta.'

If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.'

You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.

A lot of people say they are dyslexic; some have to realize that they are just stupid.