How can you be a sage if you're pretty? You can't get your wizard papers without wrinkles.

The Falstaff people, romantics all, went for it. They were so anxious to find out what I was going to do that they could hardly bear to wait out the two weeks. I was rather anxious to find out what I was going to do, too.

If U.S. Grant had been leading a team of baseball players, they'd have second guessed him all the way to the doorknob of the Appomattox Courthouse.

When the Supreme Court says baseball isn't run like a business, everybody jumps up and down with joy. When I say the same thing, everybody throws pointy objects at me.

Suffering is overated.

I don't break the rules. I merely test their elasticity.

If there is any justice in this world, to be a White Sox fan frees a man from any other form of penance.