Hey Dad, will you buy me a flame thrower? Of course not. Don't be silly. Even if I didn't use it in the house?

I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.

It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.

If you're a painter, it's simply taken for granted that you'll spend a lot of time in museums studying great paintings, but if you're a cartoonist, it used to be very hard to see an original cartoon drawing.

That's the difference between me and the rest of the world. Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!

Mom’s not feeling well. So I’m making her a get well card.” “That’s thoughtful of you.” "See, on the front it says, ‘Get Well Soon’ … and on the inside it says,’Because my bed isn’t made, my clothes need to be put away and I’m hungry. Love Calvin.’ Want to sign it?” “Sure, I’m hungry too

I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations.