I wish I had more friends, but people are such jerks. If you can just get most people to leave you alone, you're doing good. If you can find even one person you really like, you're lucky. And if that person can also stand you, you're really lucky.

I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.

You can draw a penguin on a toilet reading The New York Times and it's adorable, but try doing it with an adult male character, and it's disgusting.

What assurance do I have that your parenting isn't screwing me up?

If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again.

I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

There is not enough time to do all the nothing we want to do.