There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!

[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.

Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?

Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.

The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.