There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

I like Salvador Dali and Rene Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.

Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?

I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?