I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.

When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?

I've never done a comedy club in my life. It's weird because I don't have the same background as most comics. I don't have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.