I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.

I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.

Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.

The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head -- supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.