I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

If you give people a chance, they shine.

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

I don't aim to offend.

All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.

Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.

I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.