My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
A fart is just your arse applauding.
I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to places they might get back from.
All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.