And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".

Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

I don't think I've ever died on stage. I've had jokes that died on stage. I've told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn't know it was the end of the joke.

I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.

American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head -- supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.