And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.

I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.

I'm not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?