When I read 'Be real, don't get caught acting,' I thought, 'How the hell do you do that?'.

The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.

Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

Don't vote, it only encourages them.