I'm a huge film star... but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f--ing minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a f--ing Muppet movie.

I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.

Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

Well, the film's not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it's pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies. I had never read anything like this until I was doing the film, but Mark [Joffe, the director] and people showed me stuff where, like a flood, it mattered where the water came from. If you're flooded from above, you get the money; if you're flooded from below, you don't. What's that about?

A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.