I'm a huge film star... but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f--ing minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a f--ing Muppet movie.

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.

,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to places they might get back from.