I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

Never trust anybody with only one book.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

A fart is just your arse applauding.

I can't believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.

A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!