I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.

My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.

I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.

Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."

When I read 'Be real, don't get caught acting,' I thought, 'How the hell do you do that?'.

I was brought up as a Catholic. I've got A-level guilt.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.