All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.

There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.

As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

I've been a poser for f--ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"