Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn't too nice a thing to do.

I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can't fly

As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes, you f**cking McTosser!

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.