I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That's what girls do. I think I am a girl really.

I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.

I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.

It's my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.